Apeksha's pov

[ F L A S H B A C K ]

Is fifteen too late ?

I don't know. All my cousins got their periods already, around the age of twelve or by early fourteen, and it made my mother perturbed. The countless homemade remedies, peculiar hexes suggested by different babas or pandits and bizarre looking medicines had my head spinning.

Like a desperate fool, I had been clinging to the silver line of attention I was receiving from my mother. Unless I realised the worry wasn't directed towards me, rather of me ending up as an impotent suitress which no supposed future husband or mother-in-law would ever accept.

My fingers tremble as I wash off the blood under the running faucet. Surging panic subsided the relief I was basking in earlier.

What do I do now ?

Going through my own mother's stuff feels so illegal. I've tried to be as deliberate as I can to avoid the forthcoming reprimanding but still there was no sight of a pad or something.

Deeming beggars can't be choosers, my fingers dialled the main house number that connects the servants quarters to it, hoping I could seek help from Aunt Geeta. The first three times went in vain and I was about to give up until surprisingly an unexpected voice rang, "Hello".

"He_llo," my voice quivered despite my attempts to sound composed.

It didn't come surprising when the very next moment his concerned voice bombarded at me.

"You can tell me. You know that, right ?"

This time his voice was a lot calmer once he realised I wasn't responding.

"I_ is Aunt Geeta around ?"

"Ugh! She is on leave today."

"Vamika mam ?"

"At college."

I'm bleeding from my damn vagina and how the hell am I supposed to say that ? What should I tell him ? To ask any other lady servant for help ? I can't do that.

Walking too much with the bleeding was making me nauseous but I guess I've no other option now.

"It's no_nothing."

"Is it_ did you get periods ?"

It was the silence who answered on my behalf.

"Keep the door unlocked. I'll be there."

The sound of discrete hurried steps reached my ears shortly after. Giving a knock on the bathroom door from inside, I let him know about my whereabouts. Another knock vibrated on the door along with a loud throat clearing. Taking the cue, I unlocked the door slightly and through the slit, a large hand passed a jewellery box stacked with pads in my direction.

Who keeps pads in jewellery box ?

"That's all I could find in Vamika's room."

A relieved sigh vented past my lips as I muttered a thankyou, loud enough to be heard if he was still outside. My smile was replaced with a frown as I analysed the pad in confusion.

How do I use this ?

Damn me! I shouldn't have changed channels whenever the sanitary napkins ads on T.V played. They even showed instructions to use. But as if I had any option after witnessing the conspicuous look of revulsion on Baba's face.

"I don't know how to use it ?" I bit my lower lip, embarrassed.

Bappa, kill me already.

Silence prevailed and I thought he left already until I heard a faint unfamiliar noise filling the ambiance. Another knock approached the door a minute later, "I surfed through some tutorials. You can see through them or I can_ dictate it for you ?"

I bit my lips, aware of his dislike of carrying phone to the bathroom. Moreover my insides cringe at the thought of blood.

"Just a minute."

I called out and washed my hands before picking up a fresh panty and took out a pad from the box he brought.

"Ready ?"

My voice followed, "Ready." It feels like we're on some crucial mission.

"Flatten the pad at the centre of your_ ahm- undies. Remove the paper first to uncover the sticky part." I kept my response brief to cut the awkwardness while I followed his instructions. "You'll need to adjust the wing like part around the bottom of your_"

"I got it." I called out, saving him from further awkwardness.

With the help of his instructions, I managed to stick the pad the right way then discarded my stained panty before pulling on the fresh one.

It took me another fifteen minutes in the bathroom before I stepped out. My face flared scarlet as I met his eyes, my head hung low.

"There's nothing to feel embarrassed about, little swan." The tenderness in his tone bestead to soothe my perplexed thoughts. Nonetheless the chagrin lingered. "Keep this in mind, little swan. There's no one more powerful than a woman. They bleed every month to nurture a life inside them. We worship the Goddess not because she is a goddess, but because she is a woman."

I was in awe with his words, an utter feeling of reverence profound-ing within me for the man standing before me.

"Feeling well ?" My head bobbed under his patting palm and a wide smile etched on my lips at the sight of the chocolate bar.

His girlfriend is so lucky.

Later that night, I told Aai about my periods. She didn't even ask me if I was okay or how I managed on my own. Instead, rushed to ring the relatives, perhaps to let them know that I'm not a defective product.

⌛

It is said that a house is just an impassive construction of bricks and the people living in it make it home.

I never felt welcomed at my own house let alone feeling home.

Perhaps I never had a home to begin with.

Either good things aren't made for me or maybe everything gets shoved to a fate so ill with my mere touch.

Didn't I fucked up last night ? There is no other explanation to why he would go MIA out of the blue and wouldn't even reply to my text. It's been three days already and I haven't heard back to my simple text hey.

Friends with benefits, seriously ? What kind of cliché I've been reading lately to blabber such shit. How did I end up reducing my love, our friendship to such a level of demean ?

What would he think of me ? Would he think that I've been trying to solicit benefits from the friendship he offered all along ?

An invisible weight compressed my chest, the heaviness so palpable that it upheaval-ed my thoughts and emotions.

The movers pick up another obsolete colonial chair and walk out of the door to dump it in their mini truck. As they continued to vacate some other furniture my mother considered wouldn't be of any use for me for my remaining stay, I felt as if a piece of me was being confiscated too.

By the time they were done, I was left with my old foldable bed, a movable plastic table, the wardrobe with a dented door and some minimal furniture here and there. Anyway we never had too much furniture to ponder about.

Everything is happening too fast, moving too fast. With a speed faster than sand, time is slipping out of my grasp. And like the dumbest person alive, I had to ruin it before time could end it for me.

Leaving this city means relinquishing the thread of hope of a future I envision for myself. Moving back to my mother's town means stepping back into the surveillance, under the judgemental scrutinising eyes of my mother where I would be expected to mould into her typical definition of a girl of respectable household.

And till date, I could never agree with the bullshit they name as the perfection of a girl.

Venting out an exasperated groan, my body fell on the mattress, my gaze now fixed to the plain ceiling and walls with chipped paint. Me and my surroundings complement each other so well. Nothing extraordinary. Just another frivolous part that exists but never worthy enough to be looked at twice.

Eventually the fatigue weighed me down and I was waftly cradled into the arms of much needed slumber.

Cold gust invading through the open window induced my body to shiver. Yawning and stretching, I forced my body to forsake the comfort of the mattress.

The movers were already here by the time I returned from college, allowing me no time to change or grab lunch. Later dwelled in my overthinking, I dozed off.

There are some days when you feel drained with or without a reason. I guess I'm in that phase currently.

Stepping down, I sauntered inside the washroom to wash my face and then it took me a good fifteen minutes to untangle the mess I've grown on my skull. Discarding the kurti and jeans I've been wearing the whole day, I changed into a trim knit tank top and comfortable palazzo pants, leaving the laundry for Sunday.

My eating schedule has gone wonky lately, for I'm always deeply engrossed in paranoia and thinking too much. My stomach rumbled in repulse, still I couldn't muster the energy to cook anything so I settled for the iconic two-minute Maggi, which personally I don't think takes only two minutes.

My family could care less about my disoriented eating habits and I don't have the vigor to give a damn rightnow.

The cool night breeze grazed past my face and my clutch tightened on the sheer shawl I had wrapped around myself. My fingertips basked in the softness of the petals, the after rain moist lingering on them.

The Somanis hardly pays attention to the well kept garden, abandoning it if not for the gardener keeping it well kept and trimmed. And the rose garden is my favourite spot, my escape whenever I am seeking for some carefree moment.

The sweet fragrance amalgamated with the petrichor captivated my senses, compelling me to lean closer. A foul smell invaded the fragrant and my face twisted into moue, as I spun on my heels to check on what it was, only to knock my head into the hunky tree trunk.

The strong smell of cigarettes, coerced me to break into coughs which I somehow curbed. Voluntarily my step strives to retreat, losing my foothold on the moist soil and he had to haul me back before I could hurt myself landing on the bed of thorny roses.

"Aap_" up close, the red lining the rims of his eyes were more evident. Throwing the cigarette bud, he crushed it beneath his shoe. I am not unaware of his smoking habit, but it was never so profound that he would reek of it.

(You_)

Goosebumps aroused on my skin, trailing along the deliberate skim of his fingers on my bare arms as he pushed the shawl back on my shoulder which had slipped down earlier. Any other day, he would have avoided any such skin contact but something feels different in his demeanor today.

"Friends with benefits, huhh ?" Shame surfed through my body at how curt his voice sounded. "An alliance for seeking physical pleasure, a promise for fulfillment of every carnal desire, with an end fated to a shallow relationship."

His words held no anger, no malice, in fact nothing. It was neutral yet poignantly stabbed at my heart, berating my love to fickle lust. And he isn't to blame. I am.

"I_ I was drunk."

My lungs constricted, I sucked in a very much needed breath as his face craned down stopping inches away from mine. No way I was ready for the proximity.

"Four months," He enunciated, holding me captive under the fervency of his blazing gaze. "Be mine and allow me to be yours. Exclusively. Give these last four months to me."

Stupefied, I stared at him agape, not able to believe everything I just heard.

My lips quiver, through the periphery I followed the path on his fingers skidding on the curve of my cheeks. And my eyes were back to him once again.

"Grant me to hold your hand without a second thought, to have the right to push the extra strand of hair falling on your face whenever I want. To hold you, to gaze at you without having to look away."

Pinching my chin between his thumb and forefinger, he jut my chin up to have my eyes fusing with his.

"Date me, little swan," the gleam in his eyes was hoarded with incendiary, and like a stupid moth I was ready to scorch into them. "Be my girlfriend."

What we were offering to brew was not fated to be a full fetched story, but a mere chapter, whose ending would be written with the ink of my bleeding heart.

Despite knowing all the odds, like a fool in love desperate to cling to whatever offered, I found myself muttering, "Yes."

Signing off

~T.R